Bob's Angry Rants

Dear Lobby People:

I couldn't help but overhear your conversation the other day in which you asked your friend, "Oh, did you hear about Julia?" I initially assumed that you were referring to some common friend that you shared, but it quickly became apparent that you were talking about Julia Roberts, movie star.

As the conversation proceeded, it only got worse as you started using celebrity nicknames that I assume you learned from watching Entertainment Tonight, E! or some other reliable source. Now, I understand that this might be hard to hear, but you don't actually know these people.

Yes, I realize that they visit your house every night through the magical box in your living room, but understand that this is a one way relationship. Even though you can see them, they can't see you. THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS! YOU DON'T KNOW THEM WELL ENOUGH TO BE ON A FIRST NAME BASIS, LET ALONE TO USE PET NAMES!

Now, I'm sorry if this hurts your feelings, and maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you are close personal friends with Julia Roberts. Maybe Julia Roberts has a scrap book of you, just like you do of her. Maybe I shouldn't assume that just because you've never spoken, corresponded with or, in fact, had any sort of sustained communication with her, that the two of you aren't best buds. Maybe... but probably not.

Your eternal fan,

Robert ******