Bob's Angry Rants

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That ain't coffee.

11/18/2002 - 10:42 a.m.

I have strong reservations about some of these new "coffee" drinks that are showing up on the market. They hardly seem to have any coffee at all in them and instead are composed of mostly sugar. I know that a lot of people like these, but I just don't get it.

Starbucks seems to be one of the prime purveyors of these drinks. They have a coffee drink with red candy sprinkles on it. Sprinkles! What the hell is up with that? Coffee should not come with candy sprinkles. One drink is described as being "marked" with coffee. I'm not sure what that means, but I imagine that an eyedropper is involved.

I heard a commercial on the radio the other day, describing one of their new drinks. I forget exactly how it went but is was something like, "We start with a shot of coffee and steamed milk, drizzle in caramel, chocolate and nutmeg and then top it with whipped cream and chocolate shavings." That's a fucking candy bar, not a cup of coffee. They are just inches away from putting in nougat.

To me, these drinks are just a waste of good coffee. If, indeed, it is good coffee. How could you tell with all of that caramel and whipped cream that they put in it? You could be drinking a motor-oil based mochachino frappiatto del grande (or whatever the hell it's called) for all the sugar that they've got in there.

If you don't like coffee, then don't drink coffee. Save yourself some money and get a cup of water. It's better for you, anyway.

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