Bob's Angry Rants

Here's another letter that I sent off to Mars, Inc. Obviously, this one is not based on reality, but I had fun writing it.

February 4, 2002

Mars, Incorporated
Attn: Consumer Affairs
800 High Street
Hackettstown, NJ 07840-1503

re: Valentine's M&Ms

To whom it may concern:

I am writing to express my concern regarding your Valentine's Day themed candies; specifically your pink, white and red M&Ms. I am fairly certain that consuming these little pink candies has turned me into a homosexual.

Prior to popping the little pink pellets into my mouth I enjoyed naked women, whether it was in pornography, fantasy or reality. After having sampled these gaily colored snacks, however, I find myself regularly getting fucked in the ass by a parade of anonymous strapping young men. I find this a little bit disconcerting, to say the least. My wife isn't particularly happy about it either.

While it may be too late for me, I think that it would be only fair for you to place some sort of warning on these Valentine's Day candies. Something along the lines of "WARNING: IF YOU EAT THE PINK CHOCOLATE YOU MAY BECOME A HOMOSEXUAL" would probably be appropriate. I can only hope that this will help others avoid my fate.

A chocolate eating fairy,

Robert ******